This could take a little longer so I ask you to take this time and I hope someone can give you some good advice.
I 25 and my husband 25 have been married for half a year.
he is a soldier and has a son who is 3 years old with his ex.
we got married fairly quickly because we were just sure and in the end no one in the world gives you a guarantee of marriage.
his son is totally cute! Unfortunately we rarely see him. When it comes up once a month if at all. If he has his son then he's always in a bad mood. You can hardly recognize him then. He often has stomach or nausea when it comes to ex or his son. He always talks himself into it because he never broke, but he always throws his pills into what I hate. Health was checked and we (my and his family) think it is psychological.
on Christmas Eve we were with my family and on Christmas Day we had his son.
However, on Christmas Eve he messed up the mood again because of his supposed nausea that he went into the room and I spent the evening alone with my family.
the next day he said to me he would be so sad that his son is not there on Christmas Eve. I tried to explain to him that we had him on Christmas Day and that he was allowed to celebrate Christmas twice. But my husband didn't want to hear that. He cried and said that everything was not the same. I went out because everything made me sad because I can't do more than be there for him and his son.
sometimes i feel like he wants to go back to his ex. These are bad thoughts that I have but now and then I can't get them away and I don't know why.
my husband has to go for a month in February because of the federal government. I asked if we would like to see his son again before but he just blocked what I don't understand because it is his son?!
I also said that it makes sense to talk to 4 (his ex + boyfriend, my husband and I) just to clarify how often and when we have the little one in the month. His ex agreed to this but my husband doesn't want that and I don't understand it at best.
he often has a lousy mood and triggers on me for no reason. There are rarely days when he is just in a good mood and no matter what I talk about it does nothing. If he doesn't bite, then he has something with his stomach again and throws pills into it.
he gets mail which he does not open and prefers to play on the PlayStation etc. Where I would like to shake him awake. At the moment I'm very unhappy and I do not know what and how to tell him. How do you see it? Am I overreacting? I would like to go to my family for a few days
So first of all thanks for the paragraphs.
But I have to say based on your text, I can't understand now why you doubt his love for you. There's no reason at first.
In any case, he has quite some problems. But he has it with him. You try to be there for him, that's good too. But at some point he has to do something himself.
These contradictory feelings and statements are simply contagious and bring nothing. My advice would be therapy. Something worms him beastly. But what exactly is difficult to say.
But I don't think he wants his ex back. At least based on the information in your text, I don't read anything that can indicate this.
You mustn't project things onto yourself or the relationship. His problem apparently has something to do with himself and the son. But what exactly no idea.
Or of course something at work. With soldiers there are always problems with the psyche.
No matter how therapy can help. Also so that he can easily find out what is burdensome. I don't think he really understands himself.
Of course you can do this without therapy. But that requires a very high level of self-reflection and free time for yourself. No relationship, family, or work. That's why the therapy is more suitable for everyday use
I can't say whether he really loves you. According to my definition, many do not love each other and have a purely functional relationship, but your text is not about that. There are no signs of and against.
Sure, his son has primary priority, but that's normal. Children always come first. So they should.
What I read out is that your husband has real problems. I do believe that he has not yet made his peace with the child's mother. Many can't do that after a breakup, despite a happy new relationship. And I almost think that his symptoms are psychosomatic.
His behavior strikes me as having depressive parts. If he doesn't open and gamble instead of standing up. When he whines that he doesn't have his son on Christmas Eve. Of course, Christmas celebrates with its primary caregiver. Respect that his mother would let him see you on Christmas Day, that could have torpedoed her.
So I think your husband should be a man and face it. Either by facing up to the four-way conversation you chose, so that you can negotiate a good modus vivendi. Or, better yet, that he goes into therapy beforehand to work this out. Since he is a Bundi, it is much easier to get there because Bundis have a much better doctor-patient relationship than civilians. And you are "among yourself". Should he do it!
When he has his son he is always in a bad mood. You can hardly recognize him then…
Good day,
there are mostly assumptions that reveal a deeper cause in your husband. He is a young father who probably regrets in some form that he can't take on his father role completely. The scarce times that are present already confuse his psyche in advance and so he simply takes tablets to reduce inner frustration. He has to understand, learn and Accept that his father role still has an important function. His displeasure does not help at all. Possibly. Is there a way to build up and build up times with the son?! Your efforts unfortunately don't matter, because your husband has his own way of looking at things, which makes his life more complicated. He just isolates himself so as not to look at the "DRAMA" face to face. A certain stubbornness that he could ease with messages. He shows no willpower to accept conditions, because his imagination may be playing tricks on him because he would like to see his fatherly role in a different light, but may not exercise it that way.
Possibility to do this could be a vacation together, to understand that children can be very stressful, combined with demands.
Ultimately, your husband has to accept his starting point, as long as that doesn't happen, his psyche will go on strike.
However, only (my) guesses remain.
Everything good for you.
It is a very difficult situation for him. Not just a separation from a woman but, much worse, the separation from his child. It's hard to believe, but men also have feelings. Nothing is worse than being separated from your own child, whether father or mother. A child means the greatest love of life. Sounds dramatic and it is. This can only be felt by those who have their own children. The new partner ranks second.
"His son is cute - we see him…
This is not about "cute or us.
It is about (s) an inner connection. If the stomach ache gives him it is understandable and there's only one thing to do, to wait and to give comfort. Don't get involved and certainly don't doubt his love. You may be shoveling the grave of your relationship.
It would be good for him, of course, to see him much more often. Clarifying that is one thing between him and his ex. One can only hope that the two did not part in the war and are grown up enough to settle it properly. Magic word common education.
But you don't need anyone to tell you that your abdominal pain is psychosomatic.
We got married fairly quickly because we were just sure and in the end no one in the world gives you a guarantee of marriage.
Yes, you get no guarantee but there's a difference between high risk behavior and a general life risk. "Getting married fairly quickly" is different from waiting for the first 3.4 years until the pink glasses are gone and everyday life is lived. You now have the result of your way of thinking.
how do you see it? Am I overreacting?
I do not think that you overreact but that your husband, as has already been written here, is immature and is not aware of his responsibilities in life. No sense of responsibility towards his son, towards his wife. Nor do I think that he is aware of the responsibility that a marriage entails.
