Friend makes threats, why is he doing it?

I have problems with addictive behavior and am on the mend. I'm currently in therapy for panic attacks, unfortunately you are currently not allowed to do additional therapy for an addiction. I called addiction therapy and they said I should finish with therapy first.

My addictions are more about money, but it could be anything. Why am I doing this? I've been with my boyfriend for 11 years, it all started easily about 3 years ago. First I spent a lot of money on shopping and then there was gambling. It kept changing back and forth. I do this because I have no goal in life. I've lived in a 47 square meter apartment for years, where parcels are stolen, my stove is broken (can only cook on a hotplate), windows are old and that's why we constantly struggle with mold. It's extremely hot and cold depending on the season. If it wasn't for me, we'd never get out of the house because my boyfriend doesn't feel like lying on the sofa all the time.

I have to cook all the time, work at home and clean all by myself. He does something now and then. It was like that for several years, until 3 years ago when it all became too stupid for me. I started to spend all the money, we got into debt. He didn't want to move away, I'm supposed to take care of everything and put money aside.

I love him, but he always has other reasons for not having a wedding. Even with children. At some point I no longer understood the point of my saving and I wasted it. Now there was another phase, he is playing Ps5, is on his cell phone for several hours. He is currently unemployed. I have to work 40 hours a week. But during my break he just lies around and patters, I have to take care of everything in half an hour (cooking). Then I started gambling again.

And now my father wanted to ask him as a Joke when he would like to marry me. It was just supposed to be a joke. We were then at the family dinner and my sister is joking about it. Then he became slightly aggressive and said "Yes, I now have my evidence, why not, I'm armed".

For several years he always has a reason why not. Before that it was the training, then that we would be in the probationary period, the apartment would be too small and now that. He swears that he wants to have children and wants to get married. When I ask him if he really wants to and that he should tell me if he doesn't want to. If he says no, I want that. We're both 35. What do you think of that? I'm slowly getting stuck, my watch is completely rusty.

You two aren't in the best shape to give up kids or money on a big wedding right now.

If you don't want to cook then don't cook anything. If you want to move out fan move. And if the stove is broken, spend your money on it.

From the outside it is difficult to judge because we're not stuck in your emotional state and have not spent 11 years with your partner.

My perspective, do you love him? That's nice how much of it is still real love and how much of it is habit from 11 years of community? Would you get to know him today and would you know nothing about him would you get involved with him?

At this point you should probably not ask yourself whether you love him or not, but whether he makes you happy or unhappy and if it is the second then I would quickly change something.

The easiest way would be to break up and get your life under control and start all over again.

The difficult way is to get your life under control together, whether and how you can do it I don't know it will certainly not be easy and would assume that he wants it too

As I said, we only know the small excerpt that you have described, so we're worse advisors when it comes to that.

I would rather break up yesterday than today because I would probably be happier alone and being happy is definitely worth more than being stuck with an old love.

But I look at the situation from the outside and I haven't had 11 years and I'm generally someone who gets along very well on their own, so you have to find an answer for yourself.

It is best to discuss all of this in the current therapy, as these are all interrelated.

The panic attacks don't come from nowhere, I would say.

I think there are some questions that you should answer clearly for yourself.

We're both 35.

He acts like a defiant, dependent teenager. You go along with it, I think you support his behavior. Why?

He is currently unemployed. I have to work 40 hours a week. But during my break he just lies around and paddles,

I
must me

in half an hour to take care of everything (cooking)

I think the wording is absolutely wrong. You do it because YOU CHOOSE to do it. Then I would only cook for myself, only wash my things. And in a few months I would have moved out or he would have to move out if that doesn't change on his part. Definitely, as you describe it as a whole, I would be consistent there.

I love him

Sounds more like dependency, you should urgently take a closer look, preferably with the therapist or another counseling center!

And if he loved you, he would be different. Nothing comes from him, you go along with it, waste your life.

but he always has other reasons for not having a wedding.

Is he acting like someone who loves you? In which he almost never supports you who work?
Is that respect what he shows you?
Does marrying make sense if you are totally unhappy beforehand?
If one does everything, the other apparently almost nothing?

Then not only does nothing in the relationship change after a marriage, it becomes even more difficult to separate!

What do you think? I'm slowly getting stuck, my watch is completely rusty.

You can seek advice for couples at any time, even on your own! That would be another starting point next to the therapy.

I mean, there's exactly ONE variant that I can think of that I would choose: Set a deadline of maybe 8 or 12 weeks, then it changes fundamentally! Otherwise, end. If he doesn't come to the couple counseling session, that would be a reason for me to break up. But still go there alone! They support you. Or you make this a therapy topic in your therapy.

You're making money, go. He's probably just taking advantage of you, you're like a super mom who does everything for her dear boy. It doesn't sound like substance, respect for you.

I do this because I have no goal in life.

Then set goals for yourself. A suggestion for the first goal: clarity in the relationship. Either it changes within a few weeks, or you change the relationship status. Move out, do your thing. Or, if he really goes along with it, do long relationship counseling together, maybe even couple therapy. If he falls back into childhood, leave him.

What you describe sounds like a huge dissatisfaction, maybe that has something to do with the panic attacks? Does it at least support?

You decide, you alone.