I feel incapable of life (long)?

I've always been addicted to video games. I've always only found comfort in my Playstation, Xbox or the Internet. I didn't need anything else. All problems are ignored until they somehow go away, or are made half-heartedly in the last minute (panic attacks and handing over before giving lectures and parties are guaranteed). And I've always been very isolated from other childhood complications that affected my psyche. I never made any real friends, no hobbies (because I literally played every spare second), no interests and no motivation. Even the people I became friends with at school I always hung out and hosted after school, because of my inability to maintain social contacts. My self-confidence is in the bucket because I have nothing interesting about me because I could never develop anything. I have had my license since I was 18 but because of my general insecurity I have an extremely nervous driving style. When I'm in the car I find myself in a single long panic attack and I'm afraid that I will kill someone or something. I can't do anything to myself because I couldn't do this to my mother, but I feel incapable of life and have actually not wanted to for a long time. When I imagine ending it, I feel a nostalgic joy and lightness, but I can't simply transfer what I feel to my family. Now I have just finished 12th grade and should actually start my professional life, but as I'm now I would fail with everything. I don't feel like winding my way through life like a cockroach, I'm too weak and too tired. Either all or nothing. I disappoint everyone in the family and have to lie to people to save the rest of my face. I can't do that anymore. I'm far too sensitive and feel isolated from my outside world for so long, even from my own body. Now I can either go to another school to buy more life before things get serious, or try to get into the world of work straight away, which I really can't imagine. I still feel 14 because I haven't progressed since then, so I went to technical college after 10, but no development of any kind ever took place. I guess my question is what should I do now? Have you ever felt like you have 0 influence on what is happening around you? Do you know a way out of this paralysis? I don't want to throw myself away, but I'm so hard. I don't want to live so socially anymore, but every time I talk to someone I feel hot and I just want to get out of the situation. Years feel like months.

You write that you have no influence on your life and that is completely wrong. You can take your life into your own hands, if you can't do it alone then with help. An addiction should be treated otherwise it destroys life, so help yourself in this regard.
Try to do something about your problems actively! Just wailing how bad and hopeless everything is is only making it worse. You are responsible for your own life and in control

I might get used to the video game. Start with one day a week where you can't use the internet and go on a trip into nature or make new friends. I also have that with fear very often, but for me it is something different. I'm afraid that I can't graduate. I'm afraid that I can't find an apartment. I'm afraid I won't get a job. But just let it come to you. In addition, you said you don't want to, there are certainly therapies where you feel like life again.

You are still young enough to develop something and make something of yourself. The insight is there, but to implement this insight is difficult in your situation. Seek out a therapist. There are ways to escape the vicious circle between fear and discouragement. It works! But do it soon.

Your situation sounds very uncomfortable. Have you ever talked to someone about your problems? Would encourage you to talk to your parents. If you feel like you are a burden on your parents, you can first contact the telephone counseling anonymously.

What you describe seems to be a social phobia (I'm not a doctor or anything like that). Maybe you should think about going to a psychologist, I can highly recommend a talk therapy. There are also medications that help against panic attacks and nervousness.

If you do not feel ready for work and do not want to go to school, you could consider a voluntary social year, where you can then improve your social skills.

I can understand how you feel, it will be very difficult in the beginning but I can promise you that if you look for help everything will be easier and better. Always remember that you are important to those around you.

I wish you the best of luck and get well soon!

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