Thank you for your time.
My son is 15 years old.
There are clear rules at home and the media time has a framework. We have already gone several ways with our son.
We let him determine the media time and make his own decisions about how long he uses what. Of course, with the hope that he himself will feel how much is appropriate. Unfortunately that went wrong. He just sat in front of it Playstation, TV, cell phone. His cell phone use relates less to communication with friends and more simply to gaming again. If we let him, he wouldn't do anything else.
Then we limited the cell phone time to 2 hours a day and of course there was also TV in the evening. These rules have often been broken and attempted to cover up. I'm well aware that a teen does that.
At some point we noticed that he always waits in the evening until my husband and I sleep. He then took my laptop and was online or watching TV all night. During the day he often slept after school. I thought hey maybe hormones, puberty (tired). I used to sleep 1 hour after school. Now it was clear to us why. Continuous sound at night. That made us mad, this cheat. We took his cell phone from him for a while, TV cable. We wanted to let him feel what this betrayal entails.
He then secretly took my old cell phone from the bedroom and activated it, which I found out too. Cheated on the back again. Of course, I got that too. Whenever I came into his room for the last few days, he looked so scared. Now I also know why, he got a cell phone from his friend, on loan. He betrayed us again. I have a feeling for the media he does everything, only that counts.
We get along well in everyday life, understand and laugh a lot and can talk well.
But it stops with the topic of media. Every conversation, every consequence comes to nothing. He also says he can't stop anything.
I do not know how to continue. But I also know that I can't leave the media to him, so that he alone decides, then he would stop participating in real life. No more friends, no more sports, no more family activities. He would only be in his room.
I do not know how to continue…
You can assign Wi-Fi times via the Fritzbox. I think you can deny access to "unknown" devices.
But professional help would be more appropriate. If he himself says that he can't stop… Talk to the pediatrician - this form of addiction is not unusual at that age.
Yes that option is already in my head. I recently had a conversation with a friend who is a teacher. She told me that a psychologist once said that if the children were still doing normal things like meeting friends, it would not be an addiction. But the fact is that ours only does that if I regulate him, if I stop, he would do just that. Namely, nothing and I think that's a clue
Yes, it works, I also heard it in a pedagogical lecture. You then feel like SOMEONE, strongly invincible, brave, etc. He is otherwise a really funny, lively guy to the outside a cool sock, but I always have the feeling that he really doesn't feel that way. Eigtl he is unsure… Just doesn't let anyone feel it
You both dance around there.
Read your text: Prohibitions - circumvention - prohibitions, larger obstacles - greater finesse in circumventing.
As a layperson, I would always look at it at the level of motivation. For me, media are never good or bad per se, it depends on the content and how you deal with it.
Today the media are mostly also means of communication, so they are no longer as passive as they used to be. And absolutely everyone hates it when they have to interrupt something in the middle.
So the first question would be: What would be bad if he used media massively for a few weeks, months, maybe even years? It's all about electronic media. He wouldn't be banned from books. That was e.g. Often different at the beginning of the 19th century, when people talked about the danger of books.
In addition, a ban can lead to an extreme phase at some point. So probably when you move away from your parents' house.
A different perspective: My mother started using smartphones, Whatsapp, and chats at an advanced age. For a while she was downright addicted, had to check the chat before leaving the house and immediately when coming home and often had WhatsApp in mind when you actually wanted to talk to her, even when eating, etc. Sounds familiar? Exactly, this is the usage that teenagers are always blamed for!
This phase lasted maybe two to three years for her. In between we also worried. But then it got less. Basic need was both a communication need and the joy of being important to others, as well as the sheer joy of using new media to be "relevant".
This means that what your son is doing is normal for certain phases, regardless of age. We're binge-watching today where we would have waited a week for a new episode earlier. Most adults would find it very difficult to wait another week for the next episode if they didn't have to.
So I would start here first: What is he doing on the cell phone, what kind of activity is it actually, comparable to which activity you know, would you let yourself be interrupted? What would he do if he didn't have a cell phone etc? Would he do it differently, would he have contact with friends or would he wait until he could get back on the phone?
Can you talk to him about how he shapes his time, what is important to him, what he needs for it?
What if he needed a phase of intensive media use now and then dealt with it more calmly later?
I would rely heavily on self-determination. Explain that you also want to have something from the day and don't want to be tired at school, ask how many hours of sleep he would need, how he would best manage it so that he can get to bed on time. What he would pretend to be if he were the father and his son showed an appropriate use. Are there moments when he notices that he has been on the cell phone too long and that he has no time for other things?
And I would think about whether it would be bad if he really had intensive cell phone use etc. For a long time. Maybe he needs this to reduce stress or simply to be able to consciously decide on regulated times later.
It is always difficult when two parties dance around and wrestle with each other: Party A believes it knows what is right for Party B and it can only bow down or find secret ways and deceptions. Something like this usually increases more and more on both sides and destroys trust in one another! I would try to prevent this dynamic!
All well and good, i said but he just gambles! He doesn't communicate. He ignores what's app from friends because he prefers to gamble and for me that has little to do with sensible media use
Cold withdrawal for at least 2 weeks. The little one is highly addicted. Throw him out of the house during the day. He has to face reality. He must first learn again what the physical world is. Then he forces himself to get along better.
He doesn't know anything that is fun offline. He has to experience feelings of happiness in the real world and not from the screen by touch.
Many success! That will not be easy.
I'm sorry if my answer is too radical, but children like that don't learn unless you are radical with them. I'm 19 myself and I know exactly who doesn't understand it peacefully through discussion (as a teen), then you shouldn't give him access anymore. All gone if he doesn't change his behavior. Internet, playstation everything. And every day he should clearly help around the house, so he won't get bored. Only when he can really pull himself together can he get this freedom again.
Not at all, I'm with you there. I think little of the almost anti-authoritative upbringing, that's why so many somehow can't do anything, because they are brought up to be small, handicapped people and have the say. We took that away from him for two months. Nothing changes, really feel like he's resistant. He's already helping in the household, everything outside of the media is really great too. He's a nice guy
Here now with penalties, even more penalties, if not even with the Internet… Sorry… I think it's completely excessive and wrong.
You have two sides to it, either total control or just letting it go - as you can see, both go completely in the pants, you have to find something mediocre and let's be honest, the guy is 15.
How do you mean, please, should he react when he constantly experiences such an extreme situation, of course he's taking advantage of that for himself and now between us, we weren't a bit better in our youth, so whoever is telling something else is lying to himself a lot in your pocket and should have another detailed conversation with your parents if necessary.
Media are not bad and if he doesn't immediately jump to any friends on Whatsapp… My God… The world won't end and the kids won't perish, my youngest son, who has just turned 13, speaks well 1- 2 weeks LOCKER not with any people he knows via Whatsapp, whether from school or from his Minecraft group and they are all still alive, with our few months older it is exactly the same.
What would be of interest to me personally, what about you adults? Reflect on yourself and calculate how long you sit in front of and on something (computer, cell phone, etc.) I always find it pretty easy to say something from others, but probably not to keep yourself at it, shouldn't be an attack now you probably understand what I'm trying to say.
Let it run to him over the holidays, we didn't do it any differently here with our two, they got fed up after a good 3 days and see, they are now doing a lot more outside - whether alone or with some friends, ok right now that is a lot of Mau anyway due to Corona but otherwise they are out until evening because you can't see them.
As I said…
Self-reflection and see how you deal with the media yourself
Have another conversation together at a table and take it easy.
Accept that he sometimes looks at things that challenge and encourage him in his head and allow him to get creative, or that could help to learn or improve another language.
Our two have benefited quite a bit from English YT videos, since they mostly watch English channels they improved their English skills, which can also be seen from the music score.
