I'm really desperate about my relationship right now. I've been with my boyfriend (23) for 3 years now and only notice how unhappy I'm. I still remember where I was a very active person and always did something. But now life is so boring and I have the feeling that everything is stuck with planning activities etc. My friend works and when he comes home he is always tired. He just gambled his life and grew up with the Playstation. He played Call of Duty etc every day for a long time, but when it was taking up so much time I told him not to. That worked, but only for some games. Now he's always on the phone, playing clicker games and collecting things all the time. When I tell him to put the phone down and he only does it for 5 minutes. Then he picks it up again and goes on YouTube instead. I also often see him just scrolling around and not even looking for something specific. He is so mentally absent during that time (so it feels like 80% of our time together) and sometimes talks so confusedly to himself. He often doesn't even listen to me. He told me he grew up like that and I unfortunately believe that it is an activity that has already become routine in his life. He has hardly any personality and I notice how his routine also engages me. I'm not currently working and will soon start an apprenticeship. I realize that I can't expect attention from him all the time, but somehow I NEVER have that FULL attention. He is always somehow on the internet or gambling. He doesn't see how much that is although I always point it out to him. When I ask him about the topic, he just tells me what I want to hear and doesn't change anything. Only when I wanted to break up did he try to change. He touches the Playstation less often, but all the more youtube, Netflix and mobile phone games. He doesn't see that he has to change his behavior. He's very passive and the more intimate conversations always come from me. In normal conversations, it often happens that he wants to google something in the middle and then he wanders completely off the topic. I just don't know what to do anymore, I slowly notice how I look after other men and imagine that they are definitely different. I feel that my energy is slowly flowing and it hurts a lot that my friend shows no insight and understanding. Sometimes I even doubt myself and think that I'm exaggerating. Have any of you experiences with such a person? Am I exaggerating? How do you see it? I would be very grateful for a few opinions and tips from outsiders
Ps: forgot to mention that we live together
Go to an addiction counseling service.
Hi, talk to an addiction counseling service. And then think about how to proceed. Presumably only a deadline will help. Within 4 weeks something fundamentally changes, or you leave.
And then go too, otherwise he'll never take you seriously again.
Talk to him again about the fact that this is slowly questioning the relationship for you and that it will not work in the long term.
Agree on times when the cell phone is switched off and stays in the drawer. Go out during your time, do sports, go for a walk or have a nice meal (you can slowly start doing things again) or cook something, play together, consciously take time for each other and all electronic devices except for a maximum of the radio remain OFF for a little music.
For example, I've made a rule that I never take my cell phone with me when I go shopping, go for a walk, or go to exercise. Or also, when I meet friends, I consciously leave it at home so as not to get into the endless rut that you describe with your friend.
I don't know to what extent this is within your possibilities, but I have an idea: (I can recommend from my own experience) Try living a week (or longer or shorter, as you want) without a cell phone. That might be a bit blatant, but it works. You can also simply unplug the TV and Playstation. Then he will notice for himself how little substance his life has and inevitably have to deal with something else. With you, for example. And then come up with something crazy that you can do. Something different every day. Or you go on excursions, into the countryside or anywhere else. Forest bathing and mindfulness walks are highly recommended! The main thing is not to sit in the apartment! Maybe he can do some household chores or something. Or you can try meditation. You can also play games (not electronic ones, of course). And also important, you have to lovingly push him in the right direction, but from then on everything has to go together. You can keep a kind of diary of what you liked best on each day. Who knows, in the end he may end up without a cell phone and the like. Want to live. If not, it is extremely important that the two of you do not fall back into everyday patterns. You can just go on with what you did during this week. Then there's not much time to gamble, etc. What is also useful is a time limit app. There are many to be had there. After a certain, pre-set time that you have spent on the mobile phone, the same locks. And putting away the Playstation is certainly not a big loss.
Have fun!
If your boyfriend is addicted, then you are co-dependent. This can be summed up in this very simple formula. He may not even suffer from his addiction because you catch him and keep his relationship life going.
You still talk to him, you spoil him and you pull him back into real life again and again. Only when you threaten to break up does it give itself a jerk and change for a few days before falling back into the old pattern.
When you got together, you were important to him and he surely made you feel that too. Now you're in second place at best in his world - way behind his gambling.
He will only notice how serious it gets when you don't threaten a breakup, but pull through.
What does that mean? Find an apartment or a possibility where you can live for a few weeks or months and just leave him alone! Maybe then he'll notice how serious you are. But only let him back into your bed and into your life when he gets his problem, which has long since become yours, under control.
